it’s been awhile

it’s been two or three weeks since i’ve published anything on here… 

i was working an ass load, i chopped my hair off, and then i got horribly sick for an entire week. that was a fucking nightmare because i haven’t been that sick in a few years. but now it is 2:50AM, i couldn’t sleep and i am writing from my boyfriend’s toilet 🙂 staying up late while my man sleeps reminds me of how lucky i am to have him. staying up late also keeps my anxiety turned on and my crazy thoughts going. 

i’ve decided to withdraw from college this coming semester; i just can’t do it. but i want to make big plans for the Fall; i wanna get shit done. i want to do something that has meaning… not just sit in a classroom and be forced to have the same opinions as everyone else and be fed garbage. i think it’s all garbage. i am working on a to do list for the Fall, maybe i’ll share it with you in a future post. 

i hope i fall asleep soon. i am running shift in a new store tomorrow. i’m sure it’ll go great. 

-Bridget.

today, i am proud

i am proud as fuck of myself because today, i went to the gynocologist for the very first time!! i am almost 23, and i should have gone years ago. considering the abuse/trauma i went through as a child, i was absolutely terrified of going. the thought of someone touching me is a fucking nightmare. but i finally made the appointment a few months back and today i went. of course, it really wasn’t that bad but anxiety is one hell of a bitch. before i even went to my appointment, though, i had planned in my head a little trip to Target haha 🙂 who doesn’t love throwing their money away at Target? so i wanted to share the stuff i got with you guys!

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so i bought a new shampoo/conditioner- Dove Intensive Repair for Damaged Hair 😦 i am always trying out new shampoos. my favorite for awhile was Herbal Essence’s coconut-y one in the blue bottle; i cant remember the exact name. i LOVE that one, but i decided to try something new! and then in between there is Le Petit Marseiliais white peach and nectarine body wash. this stuff is new to me, and it smells so fucking amazing. i LOVE peaches (hence my blog name here) and when i saw this, i had to take it. this is the only body wash i’ve seen that is peach scented.


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neeeext i got a new wallet. it’s a little bigger which is good because i hate carrying a purse, but i need something big enough to sometimes hold my phone inside. this one is by Merona and it’s got 2 zippers! so exciting lol. then i picked up some command strips for my bathroom towels and a Tinker Bell Tsum Tsum by Disney. the command strips- self explanatory, and the Tsum Tsum? i am deeply obsessed with all things Disney and i have been collecting their Tsum Tsums, so it was Tinker Bell’s turn to come home with me.

Let me know if you guys have any favorite products- especially soaps/face masks because i just love that shit!!

enjoy the rest of your monday and have a lovely week! we’re expecting a lot of rain here in Jersey 😦

-Bridget.

 

lots of ideas

happy friday, everyone.

i have a lot on my plate right now; there is so much i’d like to discuss.

 

in a few hours, i will be going to a wake for a childhood friend who passed away this week by suicide. i have been spending the past 2 years with the fact that one of my own family members attempted suicide, and i have still not dealt with those emotions. i can not even imagine what it would be like for them to actually be gone. all my love and prayers go out to my old friend’s family. this topic will continue on another post.

 

quite separately from that, i am thinking of and looking for new ways to expand this blog. like i’ve said before, it means a lot to me and i feel like i can really reach out to and relate to people this way. i am thinking of something like “how to tuesdays” where i post a “how to” on something mental health related, or something very silly- depending on my mood. if youre still reading and this sounds like a good idea, PLEASE let me know! reach out to me anyway you can and let me know OR, let me know if you have any ideas 🙂 i want my readers to feel involved and i want them to look forward to my posts every week.

AAAAND on another note (last but not least)- PLEASE take a look at my friend, Tony Tone’s blog. (He is also known as No Shoes Tony). In one of his posts, he said something that I just fucking loved! Which was- “I’m an open book for the most part, sometimes the pages are just stuck together.” Like, what?? I dont know what it is, but “sometimes the pages are just stuck together” kills me, I love it. But then he continues, “the more I write, the more you’ll learn. Stay tuned. It’s a very interesting story.”

So please, do stay tuned and check out the stuff he writes!

Stay well,

Bridget.

I dont feel okay

Once in awhile, I stop feeling okay. I dont feel happy or content or satisfied with my life. and whenever this feeling comes, I always want to run away or change something. Right now, I want to just book a hotel with my man and leave. 

I think daily about school and my dad and work and my future and things that have happened that bother me. I want to run away from it all. It is also really upsetting to me that I have no idea what I want my future career to be. I dont want to work. I want to be in a hotel far away, with my boyfriend, taking a nap and I would never come back. I want to chop my hair off again or dye it a new color. I feel really shitty right now.

jim beam made me do it

happy monday, everyone.

working overnights has its perks because some mornings, i am wide awake and i get to enjoy a coffee by the window, and i watch the rain outside with my cat. very cliche, i know.

my weekend was a little crazy. rob’s “cool pool party” on friday** was overwhelming and insane to say the least. i made jello shots for the occasion, and i brought chips, salsa, and hummus. Tony brought pizza and beer. It was kind of shitty/weird because him and I were the only ones that brought anything… which I guess is okay. I love hosting parties and being maternal, so I totally would have brought SO much more if I allowed myself to go crazy. I just get so excited about parties- I wanted to bring the jello shots, chips and then beer, wings, fruit salad… yeah. But i’m always like “bridget, relax, nobody is going to even appreciate you doing this”.

the evening went on and things just started happening… um, i was treated with complete disrespect by one guy. i dont even want to say what happened, but i know i will never forget it. he immediately got kicked out and went home. i had a good cry for a moment… then we all tried to keep having a good time. i didn’t drink too much anymore. someone passed out and puked in the bathroom, someone tried getting inappropriate with me and then fell asleep in the pool and when he reads this, he’ll know that it’s him. and he should know that i forgive him 100%, but i just don’t want to talk about it. and i know what a good guy you are and that you mean well; let’s just not have that happen ever again. i think it’s the 7 shots of jim beam that did you and my boyfriend in. because my boyfriend and i… he had an emotional night. he was harassing another friend and then for a different reason, i socked him right in the mouth and split his lip open. i dont even want to share the full story because these are my friends and people i love, i dont want to just chuck ’em under the bus here or embarrass them. i didn’t close my eyes until maybe 630AM; it was horrible. and i just feel so bad for rob… i dont blame him for not wanting anyone over for awhile. it was a complete and total shit show, and not the good kind.

Alcohol really fucking changes a person. we all know this, but when shit like this happens, it is a damn good reminder. we all have demons we battle and then when we drink, those demons come out and cause for a terrible night. i cant judge anybody though, and i cant stay mad at any of these people (except for one). they’re my friends and hopefully before this summer ends, we can try again- but this time, no hard liquor, just beer and laughs.

 

currently i am listening to: Makin Me Look Good Again by Drake White

**Pool Party by the Aquabats!   -in reference to rob’s “cool pool party” 😉

My Skin!!!

Working so much is extremely tiring (yet rewarding) and so when I finally find time to myself, it is such a big deal to me. The other morning, I made a fave scrub and them used a mask.

This face scrubs is fucking amazing and makes my skin so beautiful, and it makes me so happy. I have always had acne and now, I just think my skin always looks horrendous. It’s probably all in my head most of the time, but still.


It’s me!!! With my homemade coffee grind and honey mask. This shit really does wonders and makes me feel so happy. I love the smell of coffee. I dont know anything about skin but I really fucking love this so if you wanna try something new on your skin, do this!

And after the scrub, I use this mask:

It’s “Muddy Relax Clay Mask” in Rosehip, Chamomile, and Lavender. They make other ones but I like this the best. I’m not sure if it really helps after using the scrub, but it just makes me feel better about the whole thing lol.

But that’s it. Taking care of my skin made me feel amazing the other day and loving myself is hard, so this was nice.

-Bridget.

Dutch Coffee!!

A quick post about this delicious drink-

So if you’re from New Jersey and you haven’t been to Inkwell Coffeehouse in Long Branch, you MUST go. Go now. It is very awesome, very cozy, the food is delicious and greasy and their coffee is wonderful. Also, I think their staff is fucking amazing.

But they are well known for their “dutch coffee” which is coffee, butter, cream, cinnamon, and sugar and as with all of their drinks, comes a BIG dollop of whipped cream on top. It’s fucking delicious, please try it.

And so what Im getting at here is- if you can’t get yourself over to Inkwell and you want a sweet, coffee fix, then make this drink. It isn’t hard and I made myself one just now (it’s nearly 1AM, but I have cramps and it’s a yummy comfort drink lol)

But really you just make your cup of coffee, add in some butter… Inkwell definitely puts a lot in but I put in about a teaspoon to tablespoon? and then add your milk/cream, sugar, and cinnamon. It’s all to taste obviously because when youre making it, you can make it however you’d like. And I never ever have whipped cream in my house, but my mom just bought fat free whipped cream so I was super excited to add it to my drink! (Although, we all know fat free/sugar free/etc whipped cream does not ever taste as delicious as full fat and sugar whipped cream lol)

So that’s it! If you make this, please let me know how it goes! Or if you’ve even been to Inkwell, what’s your favorite food/drink to get from there? 🙂

-Bridget.

alcoholic father updates

I have not written here in a bit. I guess I have been busy having fun, and doing things. Umm… I dont think thats what I want to talk about, though. I need to talk about my anxieties.

so a few days ago, or last week, my dad texted me and ended up bringing up some sour memories from the past. he tried bashing my mom, and making up lies. he does this when i call him out on his alcoholism/abusive behavior. i was on my way to work and i was crying in the car; i didn’t have time for that shit. so as i got into the parking lot, i blocked his number and i havent unblocked it since. i dont know when i will.

arguing with an alcoholic is not even a thing, like… it’s so silly. it’s like fantasy. to be very rigid with this- the alcoholic/drug addict will rape you and kick you when youre down. then, they will swear on everything that has ever existed that they did not do that, and that they would never do that. if they tell you that the grass is purple, then the grass is fucking purple. end of story. there is simply NO arguing or reasoning with these people, it is so fucked.

and my dad probably hates himself, i’m assuming, and so he always tries to say things like “i took you to softball practice- mom never did that for you” and it’s like yes, this is true BUT mom never beat the shit out of me, and mom drove us to the doctor’s when needed. i remember one specific time, my little sister hurt her ankle pretty bad and she was crying really hard. my dad was so drunk, he just sat there and tried telling me to go get ice. i had to wait for my mom to get home so she could drive my sister to the hospital. the amount of neglect we have gone through is unforgivable. i try hard not to think about these things because dwelling on them will help nothing, but it’s hard because it’s there. it will always be there, in my mind.

i have more anxieties about school and life, but i will end this here.

 

-Bridget.

College is Bullshit.

Things I Am Passionate About, but Am Currently Ignoring:

  • Art, specifically art that FEELS relatable
  • Painting
  • Child abuse, domestic violence, rape, substance abuse, mental health
  • Mentally disabled peoples of all ages
  • Writing, specifically sharing personal stories to help others
  • Helping others
  • Working very, very hard
  • Wawa

Okay, and now what can I do with any of these? Because, I feel so fucking strongly about colleges/universities and how they are all a bloody fucking scam. I have wasted 5 years of my life already at a university, and I have learned nothing. Okay a lie- I have stored in my brain random psychology facts, memories of good professors, and what to do/look for in others’ artworks, as well as mine. To me, those are very small things and not enough to make up for those 5 years of my life that are now gone. I don’t want to go to school; I am not a good student. Every semester (except for one), I have failed or withdrawn from at least one class. It my mind, it isn’t adding up, it doesn’t make sense for me to keep doing this.

I want to do something on my own. I want to create something. I want to become a famous blogger, an advocate for the issues listed above, I want to create a safe space for my older sister who has Down syndrome to interact with other young adults. I don’t want college and math and science. I don’t want a 9-5 job the rest of my life; it wouldn’t make me happy, and I care greatly about my happiness. This is so difficult because I know I have no one else’s support to back up how I’m feeling. Everybody tells me to just go to college.

 

-Bridget.

summer weekends

i cannot express enough how much i love my job. it has brought me so much. every job i’ve had before this one at Wawa, i felt out of place or unfulfilled. it was always weird/awkward. but at Wawa, i feel fulfilled with every busy hour i work. it is a very rewarding job to me, and the people i have met make it even better. i’ve met my loving boyfriend, who has led me to meet so many other new and amazing friends.

i feel loved.

i had an amazing weekend with them, celebrating Rob’s birthday. i’m thankful.

however, what comes after amazing, endlessly fun summer weekends? school. stress. anxiety and without a doubt- failure. i have been going to college since 2013 and i still have 3 more years to go. every now and then, i remind myself that it doesnt matter when i graduate. but every now and then, i tell myself that i’m a failure and that i am not fitting in with everyone else. i feel not as successful as everyone else. it’s all perspective, but i just can’t help but to think those thoughts. i am dreading September.

i want the summer to last forever. don’t we all?

 

-Bridget.